Radiation is DONE! Stick a fork in it!

I even received a certificate!  25 treatments, one super sensitive tummy, and one woman who could not be more humbled, healthy, and thankful.

The stickers on there are the ones that have been on me, for 5 weeks.  Some may think " eww, gross!," but to me, they are tokens of success, perfection and accuracy in prevention and zapping :)  In a weird way I'll miss my afternoon "crew", their kindness, attentiveness, care and concern.  I'll miss my ladies and gentlemen of the cancer center who smiled so gently, nodding as if they knew all the thoughts that lay within my mind.

I'm now a regular person again.  I still see doctors every 6 weeks to 2 months for this first year, which is more that easy to do.  Now I get to be a Mommy who can do all of our activities without having to worry about running late due to radiation, or being late to treatments.  

I pray that cancer touches no one else, that we find a way to eradicate this horrific, invasive disease.  It has not only touched me, but my gentle, sweet, loving husband, my innocent, freckle faced babies, my mother; the woman who buried a husband because of cancer, who has now had to watch me face it.  My sisters, whose silent strength and "whoop ass' attitudes carried me through my saddest times.  My big brother who always thought it would be him...My aunts, who buried three brothers because of it... My sweet cousins..  My friends.  My cancer has touched each of you.  

I'm healthy, happy and healed.  Three words that I worried if I would say again three short months ago.

Back to work has been great, I love my people.  They bring so much joy, love and giggles.  All of my babies at work have been great to see again too.  Crazy when I think about teaching 550+ kids every three days, but I love each of them.  I'm still a little slower moving than most, but I'm getting there!

Thank you for your support, love, prayers, donated time, karma..  all that you all have thought of / done for / sent my way. It has been felt, welcomed and appreciated more than my words could every express.  Many times I have found myself turning to God for answers, this is what my favorite lady at the cancer center shared with me"

Jeremiah 30:17  "But I will restore you to health and heal your wounds," declares the LORD.

For me, my health has been restored and my wounds are healed.  I am humbled, healthy and so very, very thankful.

Glowing, Humbled, Spent...

Humbled
I visited the EC Green Cancer Center today, and once again, found myself tearful and humbled.  When I entered, I first noted that I was the youngest person present.  After meeting with the receptionist and sitting down, across from an older couple, the wife looked at me, grabbed her husbands hand, and was tearful.. for me.  She told me that she had watched me sit down, which is sometimes still a slow, somewhat tender process and that it hurt her heart, that I was too young to be there.  I politely gave here the 1 minute story explaining that my cancer was gone, and that I was there for a little "insurance."  She hugged me and told me she would pray.  She took out her pen, and wrote down my name, so she would not forget it.  I sat alone, and took an encompassing peek at everyone there and noticed the beauty of each person there.  The cute older man, who wore his ball cap on the tip top of his head, like my dad does.  The lady who really likes bright colors, but had beautiful hands like my mom, and wears the same tennis shoes as her too!  The couples holding hands, the men chatting up UK basketball over their pre-chemo coffee.  I've seen and spoken to several people today, yet shared none of this.  A somewhat private moment that I am now making public.

Spent

I have been a bit of a hot mess today, but slowly and silently joy found its way back into my heart and mind.  I'm feeling yucky and extra sore, and the thought of working 40 hours makes me want to weep.  John is out of town, which I am VERY used to, but pathetically, I miss him desperately, despite his absence being less than 36 hours thus far...  When I came home from the doctors, I left again to eat with my dear Myra.  Trust me, if you know Myra, you would know that no matter what, her hugs, smile and warmth can make a bad moment turn great.  After lunch I headed home to nap, only to discover one of my favorite 82 year old neighbor outdoors.  We wound up talking for nearly 2 hours.  Again, lifting my heart.
Then heading to get the kiddoes and homework in the parking lot while waiting for wrestling...  As we sat in the car, I (pathetically) ran out of gas.  Great, the icing on the cake right?  Nope.  Mary and I walked JM to practice and went and found our favorite teacher/friend/love.... who drove us the the gas station, laughed with and AT me, helped me, and then took us back to school...  The giggling, laughing, and making fun of myself truly helped.  Thank you Jessica <3  I'm still spent though.  Guess we all have our gray, crappy days.  Tomorrow I'll do my 2 mile walk, and then go to Starbucks.  Everything is better when you have had Starbucks...

Glowing

My sweet friend Mary Anne, who I love more than lots of things has taken to calling me sparky and firefly, and talking about me GLOWING :)  Funny girl... well, I guess she will get to see as radiation is a go.  Today's appointment was all about setting up my markers, making some mold for ??? ( I forgot) and getting CT scans with and without a barium insert so they can do ensure the setup for the small box radiation vs. a full pelvic panel.  I was teary the whole time, again, a hot mess.  The nurse, Melissa, is a phenom and hung with me the whole time.  I may need to get some Xanax or something here soon.  Radiation should start in the next week or two...  25-30 sessions...

Sigh...

So, there you have it:
I WILL have radiation
I AM secretly a bit of a hot mess
I CONTINUE to be so very humbled..

Thanks for joining me on my journey and sharing my little / big things...

Radiation?? YMCA fun :)

Still waiting on radiation decision...  we met with local radiation oncologist last week, 3/6/12, what a humbling time.  Our local cancer center, the EC Green Cancer Center, was wonderful.  The welcome was warm, comforting, private and professional.  It was quiet, peaceful, filled with wonderful people there for many reasons.  Support, care, chances...

Whatever their reasons were, as we looked around the room, John and I held hands, and did not speak.  We knew that 2 more weeks longer, and our story would be very different. 

We immediately met with Melissa, the radiation RN.  We spent over half an hour with her, she is fabulous..  I was a little emotional sitting in the meeting room: looking around, taking it all in....
We then met with Dr. Murray, for over 45 minutes.  He went through my background, discovery and diagnosis, and surgery etc.  He requested to personally review my slides with the local pathologist..  Today I spoke to him again.  He has review my slides with the local path, conferred with the pathologist at Centennial, and my local OB, Dr. Gapp.  Just waiting on a call from my gyn. oncologist, then the final decision will be made.  We WILL have an answer by Friday. 

Started walking at the Y yesterday.  I'm a little wobbly due to lack of doing much the past few weeks, etc... so walking alone in the 'hood isn't on the approved list, so to the YMCA I went.

First, nothing fun about being lapped by the 70+ crew :)  While I admit I'm not the buff one I was at 28, but it was a little sad & funny at the same time...  PLUS, who knew these women could trash talk?  They were chatting each other up about workout outfits, hairdos, people at church!  I turned my Ipod off so I could stalk them covertly and internally giggle.  I SOOO miss trash talking with my work loves....

Ahh, my friends... I have loved being home for my children, dropping off and picking up without before & aftercare, but WHEW!  I miss my people!!! All of them, even the crazies :)  April 2 will come fast enough I know, and then I'll be fussin' and moanin' about being tired while I'm there, but it will all work out..

Soccer has begun.  So now with wrestling, Tae Kwon Do, cheerleading, homework and life, we are busy people!  JM loves it endlessly though.  The physical aspect, the competition, more time with his buddies, and his rockstar coaches.  Our soccer team for the past four years is definitely something I thank God for often.  It has taught him so much more than soccer: life lessons, friendship skills, competitive spirit, how to lose and learn, how to win and celebrate! and so much more.

Cheerleading is about to wrap up.. National Series competition this weekend in Louisville, very exciting!  Cousins are coming down and going to have some pool time with my college friend Rachel and her family.  Looking forward to a weekend of family fun, super springy hair curls, big smiles and hark work paying off.

Naps continue :)  I think I'm going to miss them the most when I go back to work.  Maybe I could squeeze them in during my administrative time???  The increased activity, that is Dr. directed has pooped me out!  That plus DAYLIGHT (STUPID) SAVINGS TIME?  hmph.  I think I was asleep before the children last night!

I am so thankful for many reasons:
*the continued support and love from my family and friends through this crazy quick journey...  who knew?
*the strength and quiet love of my husband
*the kisses, hugs, and tender moments from and with my children
*God's never-ending listening abilities

Its the little stuff...

Berries, Buddies, slow & steady ...

Whew!  Seems like years since I last shared...  :) Time flies when you are napping, reading and recovering.  

My oncologist told me on Tuesday that many people equate a radical hysterectomy with a c-section.  In his professional opinion, it is like having 4 c-sections on top of each other, combined with the worst cramps and abdominal gas pain you will ever have.  While I have never had a c-section, I did have two vaginal births, and well, they hurt less.  I'm off the Percocet , boo!, and am feeling fair to well!  Motrin once in a while, but as long as I maintain the slow & steady, all is well.  

Tuesday's appointment went well.  We arrived at Centennial early, John visited his favorite coffee spot, I people watched. (I'm fascinated by people who wear their slippers out!)  Appointment started off grand, I've lost 12 lbs.  Hmm, guess a tumor, girlie tissue, uterus and more must weigh a lot!  

Radiation is looking pretty likely...  YES, all of the cancer is gone.  YES, all of the tissue margins came back clear.  BUT, in less than 6 months, I went from NOTHING, to a whole lotta somethin'.  My cancer was cancer.  Aggressive, large, and there!  The greatest concern is the area around the tumor.  It was air.  The tumor was attached at the utmost base of my cervix.  Kind of like a disco ball, but less sparkly and fun.  It did not touch the tissue around it.  So... when margins are removed, yes, they are removed, but....  Well....you can't remove air... I'm 40, and young.  I want to live to be O.L.D.  So, a little zap, zap, buzz, buzz is most likely.  

NOW to have the radiation oncologist HERE, to have the ability to do the small box radiation.  I have zero desire to drive to Nashville, for 20 days, in a row... to do this.  But, I can and will should I need to.  

The greatest news was I had my catheter removed.  Can I get a Hallelujah chorus?  2 weeks with my "straw" as Mary Elizabeth called it.  1 week was extra, as  I had an infection... sigh.  It was a glorious moment for me!  Followed by a sad moment for John, Dr. Numnum (yes, that is his name) reminded John hands off for 6 more weeks.  Poor fella.... anyone want to babysit in 6 weeks?  hubba hubba :)

So home we came to SURPRISE!  Shari's Berries!  12 chocolate, milk and white, covered strawberries and SIX cake pops, decorated in medical fun.  My sweet Indiana and North Carolina nieces and nephew spoil me.  and then.... Cheryl's cookies brought 36 fancy, dancy, yummy cookies from the best aunties EVER...  Sigh, didn't I say I lost 12 lbs.? My family is my ROCK.  and they rock too :)

 

Goodies don't take away the last month, but good glory, they do make it a bit easier.  My family is a gift.  I try to talk to someone every day, and whew!  My sisters and I can burn up some cell time!  Lots of chats with Grammy, and fun texting with the cousins.  I plan to keep this up forever.  and ever. and ever.

BUDDIES

Staying home....  I LOVE being home, during the summer, vacations... but WOW!  Being home, while the kiddoes are in school, and not being able to physically "do" stuff, BORING....  I've read, napped, watched MAURY (you are NOT the father..)  It gets old, quick.  John is kind of working, and well, I'm a little bored.  This is where my buddies, AKA, girlfriends come in!  My sweet love Libbie kidnapped me last Friday, and we had lunch at Harper House with the always awesome Kristin, who I love as much as bubblegum and chocolate ice cream...  that is A LOT of love..  We had a nice 2+ hour lunch, LOVED IT!!!  Super excited for tomorrow, because my one and only sister from another mother, Deidra will be here.  Ever had that friend, that whether you see her often or not, you just melt when you see her?  That's my De.  

My friends have carried my spirit and heart through this.  My girl Paige, who is so often my rock (and a rockstar too!) & my Jessica, who brings me joy, love, hope and amazingness... Our Myra who loves us tons, and came and spent the whole afternoon and cooked for us!!  My faraway friends, my rellies in CT, my crazy, ever awesome lovely, cousins in MI...My Mary Anne, my Tambo...  the prayers said for my by my P. Paige, Stef.... My Courtney & Stacia, who are always willing to Rockband...My Danna who I miss seeing every day.  If I do not say your name here, know that I think it.  

My cancer is gone, but now, at home, during the quiet alone times, I have time to think, reflect, and be so very thankful that from diagnosis to surgery was less than a month.  I'm a lucky, lucky duck.  This I know.  I'm thankful for my friends who have prayed for me, thought of me, and sent a bit o' karma my way.

I'm closing shop for tonight.  I hope that everyone who reads this page, takes a moment and has a thankful thought, for anything.  The big stuff, the little bits, its all good.  For me, tonight, I'm thankful for the ever-present crumb crusted kisses from my children, and their need for one more kiss.  So very thankful for the loving looks, gentle touches, quiet love and strong spirit of and from my husband.  I'm thankful for my mother's enveloping hugs, the softness of her hands, and the pride in her heart.  I'm thankful for my super duper sisters and their babies..  I'm thankful for my B in law, and that he knows Mr. Pink and Mr. Purple, and sends photos that bring me joy.  

Its the little stuff... Definitely the little stuff that is so very, very big.

Blessings....

Bye Byes, Birthday, Bladder and Boy, Percocet Rocks!

Well, it has been a few days settling in at  home.  It has been so very wonderful to be home with my family in my own bed.  As promised by my cousin, the pain began to subside on day 8.  While I not only have the abdominal pain, from my hip to hip incision, I also have the internal OUCH! from having all the extreme margins of tissue removed.  With that said, Percocet ROCKS!  I'm doing my best to take it easy, but it is still painful just doing what I should be.  


Part of my homecoming meant time with my Mom.  How it seems there is never enough time with her I do not know.  I wish I could keep my dad and her with us every time we see them.  Somehow it all seems better when she is here.  The toast tastes better, the laundry is fluffier, the water is waterier, the hugs... are bigger, better, longer and better than ever.  My kiddoes had a FABULOUS time with Grammy, and loved that she knew how to do everything!  Having her here allowed John to take some focus from the lunch packing, homework doing etc., and was able to be there to help me.  At the same time, Grammy had some QT with the babies, which is never enough.  Sadly, all great things do end, and Sunday, I said a very tearful see you soon to Grammy.  While I know that I will see her soon, its hard for me not to cry every time she goes.  She has been my rock, my mentor, my love, role model and Mom for 40 years...  


Monday brought a celebration of 8!  Big boy John Michael began his day with a man breakfast at Waffle House :) with Dad, afternoon movies, with sister and Dad, then Mexican for dinner with us, our BFFS Paige, Matthew, Jessica and our sweet love, Natalie.  HOW my sweet boy is already 8 is beyond me, but he is.  What a gift to watch him grow and mature each day.  He is so smart, so silly, so bouncy and tender, so creative, curious and wiggly.  LOVE him!!!


Today, Tuesday was to be a big day, catheter removal day!!  Well, not so much.  I have felt a little bleh, combine that with a low grade temp, and blood in the urine and well...  2 more days, and now a course of antibiotics 3 x a day.  Sigh...  I knew there was a HIGH chance of a bladder infection, but I like to be the one to beat the odds.  


John continues to be my rock, my caregiver, my comforter.  Over the weekend the reality of everything hit, and I was a bit of a hot mess on and off.  While I have fully understood it all, I do not think that I allowed myself to let it settle in.  Well, it did, and with my random tears and quiet moments, he was there, and continues to be.  Taking care of my needs, and those of the children.  He even helped Mary Elizabeth rock a side ponytail today.  Such a great Daddy, such a great husband.  I am very lucky to have this love.


Tomorrow is another day.  I plan to watch Bridesmaids and interview a HOUSEKEEPER!  Woot!  Woot!  


Be well, thank you for checking on me.  xoxo

Squeaky Clean, Cancer Free and Heading Home!

Fabulous morning chat with my oncologist. Will see him again in 2 weeks for radiation plan. Skin is clean, teeth are brushed! Ready to go be a vegetable at home with my teeny tinies nearby!

Almost all my tubes are gone, yoga pants, hoodie, and flip flops are on!

Thank you for your thoughts, prayers, and positive karma sent my way!

My knight in shining armor awaits in our chariot!

Now lets go home!!!!

ALL CLEAR!!

God is good, Our God is Great!!!! ALL margins came back clear! Rock ON!!! May do a hint of isolated radiation in a few weeks near the tumors location, but as my oncologist said " that is the sparkly icing on top of a beautiful cake.". (love that he said sparkly) Solid foods begin today and I may head home tomorrow as long as my body continues to improve, respond, and function normally. Thank you for your prayers, kind, uplifting words... All that you have done for me. I truly grateful.

Liquid Diet, Flowers & lack of male nurses

Day 4 of liquids... Can we not get some baked chicken or a Wendys burger with no cheese or mayo? Mommas hungry :) Tough day... Lots of pain and Percocet (my new BFF). Activity was increased and while It felt great to walk, I was exhausted all day and in pain. Supposed to head out of here on Friday, but pain management needs to even out as well. Lots of goodies today! A cookie gram bouquet with the cutest cookies ever. Some lovely flowers from John's work people and an elegant, exquisite arrangement from our buddies the Rutland and Hernandez families. My room smells and looks lovely if one averts their eyes from me. I'm clean, but no hair do and no makeup, I'm looking a bit rough. Grammy the rockstar drove kiddies down after school. Upon arrival they proceeded to inspect every inch, incision, fluid bag and more. Very hard for them not to sit on me. We went for a walk holding hands and enjoying our time. I miss my blue eyed babies terrribly. Grammy and John are an amazing duo. Both of them are my rocks. I would be lost right now if they were not here. After 40 years, Grammy still has the full ability to make everything better. And John, he did not ask for this, but has handled our entire journey with care, compassion and abounding strength and love. Same nurses now since I checked in, what a fun group! No male nurses though. Surely a little we candy would help the recovery process. :)

Ouch!

I'm alive, but Phew! The ginormous incision hurts like crazy. Off of iv fluids and pain meds pump. My new friend Percocet is caring for me nicely. Surgery went well, 3-4 hours. Was in and out of sleep most of Mindsy but definitley a a much improved self today. Walked four x and didn't even belt out a nice line of profanities!! Love technology... Was able FaceTimechat a my babies... Pathology report is due in Friday. This will tell me if the tissue margins on the outer edges are cancer free. If they are not, planB! Still trying to talk with God about all this, but still no answers... Take care and we will see each other again soon. Love. Suzanne

Big Day is HERE! Adios Cancer!!!!

Here we go! On our way to Nashville with a nervous tummy, tears in my eyes, but with a focused mind. We pulled away at 5 am leaving John Michael sobbing at the front door. Sadly, the downside of having a smart little guy, is that he gets more than it being a simple boo boo in my belly. Plus, daddy is the one who goes on trips, not Mommy. Thank goodness Grammy is here to snuggle her little buddy this morning. Grammy truly makes everything better. Looking ahead to this being behind me, but not to the next few days... The hospital is pretty fancy, and as its a women's hospital surely Use Aveda products and their hiring practices only include hot male nurses, right? No need though, I'll have my own hot male with me <3 Pray for my medical team, for Grammy as she cares for my loves, for John as he carries the weight of our family, and for my healing. I pray that each of you have a week filled with sparkly rays of sunshine, kisses from your loves, uncomfortably long hugs and good health.

Beans are spilled...

Well, I finally feel like a human again.  Despite being the one with the problem, I felt deceitful by not telling people.  My girls at work, some just found out this week.  My gal Soronians, just found out...  I often wonder if I should have told sooner, or not at all?  Sigh, stupid cancer.

I did have a bit of fun though the past few days telling my kiddoes at work that I'd be out for several weeks due to a boo boo in my belly.  After explaining that I wasn't pregnant, I endured questions about if I was having breast enhancement, gastric bypass, lasik and simple plastic surgery.  oh my!  Definitely got my giggles.  :)

Cheer meet tomorrow with little bit, then Dreamstakes fundraiser dinner & Open Bar :) fundraiser for the kids school....  I'm feelin' a bit thirsty!  Need to eat though, as Sunday begins all liquids.


Thanks for checking in.  I'm thankful for you, promise.

Why Banana Pancakes?

:)  I actually started this blog MANY years ago....  Banana Pancakes are a breakfast treat near & dear to John & my hearts.  During our courtship long ago, we frequently visited the Caribbean island of Roatan.  I was teaching in Honduras, and he was stationed there.  We always stayed at Georphis, and would eat breakfast at Rudy's which was right there.  Banana pancakes, bacon, and pineapple juice.  I think we fell in love over them :) 

Surgery is ON!

In 8 days, I will be cancer free. In EIGHT DAYS, I will be missing some parts, but gaining life, finding renewal, strength, and hope for health, healing, and a well, long-lived life.

My surgery is schedule for February 13, at Centennial in Nashville, and I am ready... excpet for one thing.... we have to tell the KIDS :( Now, cancer? Nope, not going to use that word. They are 7 and 5, and believe in boo boos, band aids, and that their pediatrician works miracles when they have monkeys in their ears. They know I've had a sore tummy, so for now, mommy's going to have her tummy fixed. We are going to play hookey on Wednesday of this week, to go do all things fun, and will tell them then. All will be okay though, because GRAMMY will be here while Mommy is in the hospital and Grammy makes all things better.

January 20.... time to tell the fam :(

CT scan was FANTABULOUS . First, my nurse was a friend Angela. 2nd it showed that my tumor is it! Now for it to stay that way through surgery! There is a 10% chance that my body can change, which will not be good. If things do, then they will abort the surgery, and I'll go through radiation. NOT WANTED

So, here goes.

:) I had to start each call with "I'm not pregnant, and I'm going to be fine." The calls went well, but sugar... what I would have given to be there to tell my mom, sisters, and brothers. Our family despite all, has been through a lot, and cancer is not a word we ever want to hear...

I feel their strength, their hope, and their worry. Now to fight the fight not only for me, and mine, but for them too.

January 19.... phew!

Today we met with my oncologist, Dr. Numnum at Centennial in Nashville. While things are a little bit more progressed than the pathology showed, I am a SURGICAL CANDIDATE! Praise God! This means no chemo, no radiation. I am classified as Stage 1B1...

I'll have a radical hysterectomy, with lymph node dissection, which is a little heavy, but hey.. I DO surgery.. knee 7+ times, ear, 4+ times, girl business... I'm a PRO at surgery! Now, to maintain.

My tumor is at the base of my cervix, about the size of a ping pong ball. CT scan tomorrow, to make sure that is it, and that it has not crept anywhere else. A week or so in the hospital, 5 more at home.

Answered prayers here....

January 17, a new day

crap...
How do I tell my Mom? My sisters? My brother who has always thought it would be him to have cancer, because that is how it works.. then men get it.. not the women. How do I tell my sweet, sweet babies that Mommy is sick? WHY me? I'm a good person, I work hard, play hard, go to church, nice to animals.... I do everything I am supposed to do, so why me? once said God give you what you can handle, but COME ON! I have a full time job, two children, a husband who is never home, and my nearest relative is 4.5 hours away. awesome.
And the vanity in me... will I have a treatment that will cause hair loss? I have a big ole head,.... lovely. And my eyelashes? I know it sounds awful, but hey! I even put on mascara to mow the flipping lawn! Praying this is surgical, praying!!!!

I was in a fight in college, my senior year I think, during a soccer game... I nailed the chick....I cannot wait to nail this

Cancer?

JANUARY 16, 2011

Where to begin? Well, sadly, I am no stranger to cancer. My dad had it, my uncles... all passed away from it... Now, its my turn to fight the fight, and BOY and am I a fighter. I've known something wasn't right for a few months, but a little in denial.... Made the dr. appt, but had to wait to get in. Nothing like being in the stirrups and hearing your OB say "shit..." that's truly, when the shit hit the fan. While not a pathologist, but an OBGYN with oodles of experience, and one I trust wholeheartedly, he told me that it looks like cancer...
So, I leave my OB, have a violent meltdown in the parking lot and in our car... and then, I have to tell John... and as always, the Army has him away, so I have to tell him I have Cancer... over the phone... Then back home to be cheery in front of my kids and babysitter and pretend it is all okay, but inside, I'm crushed.
Less than 16 hours, and 9+ biopsies later, that path report returns with "ta-da" a confirmed diagnosis... I have Well Differentiated AdenoCarcinoma of the Cervix. Crap. I'm 40, just got my first grey hairs, have spider veins, two of the world's most amazing children and a husband who deserves the moon. Dear cancer, bring it.