Xanax, Port, Chemo, Oh My!

I'm back! Whew! So, it has been nearly 2 weeks. Sorry for those creeping here daily, but I needed to go "radio-silent" as I say to my sisters...

Speaking of my rock-star, cougars and against cancer ass-kicking sisters, and Grammy too!:

Many have asked about my sister, Pam, who is also fighting her own battle with cancer. She as recovered from surgery fabulously, and began chemo last week. She is back to work as of yesterday and fighting like a girl! I'm still going to buy a lottery ticket and win, so she can quit all that lawyering business and come here!

Michelle is currently here! with two of her three. Mr. 17 months and Miss 3 year old, have kept me full of smiles and giggles so far this morning. Big sister wanted to stay NC so as to not miss school, PLUS have 4 nights of sleep overs with friends, woo-hoo! She has brought health, hope and healing with her <3

Grammy is hanging in there. Busy as ever with tax season, and day by day coping with all that late has put on the plates of her children. Big Daddy is taking care of her, but some hurts the heart cannot heal. I miss her daily and wish she was here to pet my hand.

I've been busy, busy, busy and John has been right at my side! Helping me, being both Mommy AND Daddy, and prepping for RETIREMENT!

Yep, next Friday, March 22! We are also having dinner catered here by Rutland's Catering!

Kiddoes! 

Our children do know. What do they know? Well, with the ages of 9 and 6, their questions and levels of understanding vary. 

They DO know Mommy is sick with cancer.
They DO know the sick is where my baby parts used to be.
They DO know I am going to take special medicines.
They DO know I may get a new hairstyle.
They DO ask questions almost daily. Yes, death has been questioned. 

It is okay to talk to children about cancer, and if your child knows mine, I ask that you please do. I'm not secretive, nor should you be. I'm more than happy to answer any questions that your child, or you may have.  

Here is my latest update...

Met with Dr. Numnum, my gynecological. oncologist in Nashville last week. Talked chemo mixes, my recovery, my outlook, etc.

What I know:
95% of people that had what I had last year would still be cancer free, I'm in the 5% (stupid percentages)
My cancer is nasty, highly aggressive
This is not going to be an easy fight

I'm going to stop there....

Fast forward to today,

John and I met with the local medical oncologist (chemo Dr.) and staff yesterday.. I was made to feel completely like a number, and by no means a name by the entire staff, except for the Dr., but had some initial concerns there too. I left in tears, my heart was racing, I felt defeated, when I had not even been given the opportunity to run the race.

I am who I am, and with that said, I called my radiation oncologist's nurse and was able to go to the other half of the office and meet with my radiation oncologist, Dr. Murray, who treated me last year, and shared ALL of my concerns from that day. He did reiterate what Dr. Numnum, had told me, that I can have my chemo anywhere, but I need to be comfortable where I do it, and with who. How is it possible that one half of an office can make you feel as if you are in an Aveda spa with a Buddhist temple like atmosphere, and the other side part third world?

With that said, I am considering doing my chemo in Nashville. I know the drive may be a pickle, but if you could seen me yesterday, well... you'd probably offer to drive me. John felt many of the same things as I did. I think we have been spoiled throughout this 13 month journey with Dr. Numnum, Dr. Murray, and even my regular OB-GYN, Dr. Gapp.

My oncologist in Nashville is just back from a national conference, where he presented and learned. His nurse called and said that he is excited to share some things with me, so we will talk tonight.

So..... here I am! 

PET scan is this Thursday

Chemo port being put in next Tuesday

Chemo tentatively scheduled to being the 25th of this month

Still not up to full speed, but getting there. Many days I feel like the fileted fish that I became during surgery, but my energy and ability to be up and about is increasing daily. Completely off pain meds, but am embracing Xanax for nerves/anxiety that has kicked in with all this.

I am so very thankful, WE are so very thankful, for all who are "with us" as we embrace and face this battle head-on. Am I scared? YES! Terrified even. Will you see it? Nope, but that is my choice. If you ask me how I am, you will probably receive a "great!" in reply, don't question it, just run with it....

I truly can feel the prayers, kind thoughts, and well-wishes, truly. The meals and cards, and my friend Sue's buckets-o-fun, have brought me more joy and strength, when I thought I had run out. I'm getting to see my dear friend Mary Anne bunches, as she drops items off, and am trying to see to joy in all things. I am a person of strong Faith, but I do question. I believe we can all attest to times of questioning our own faith. I do, however, remain faithful, humbled by God's glory each day.

Be well and big hugs,

Suzanne

One Week Later.... Yep, still Cancer!

One week after hearing the word...  CANCER

It is kind of like Jack Nicholson from The Shining, "I'm baaaack!"  Well, good, great, who the devil invited you?

It seems that my new/old friend has a name.  Metastatic Endocervical Adenocarcinoma.  Sounds fancy eh?

STAGE?  Everyone keeps asking, "what stage are you?" Nosy people!  (just kidding)  I will forever and ever be Stage 1B1.  Even though I'm all funky again, I'm just considered recurrent.  For those that are disappointed?  Kiss my needing-a-pedicure heel.  I am forever a number ONE, woo hoo!  No thinking about any other numbers, now you hear?

My innards (Northern family and friends: that is Southern for insides)  were pretty well fried from radiation.  The same radiation that I so proudly graduated from last April.  In my pathology report "quotations" were used around the terms ovary and fallopian tube, as they were a bit difficult to distinguish.
My right "ovarian" area had no invasive carcinoma.  Yet, the other right sided speciment AKA golf ball, was riddled with it.  My left "ovary and fallopian tube" and left sided remnant mass AKA squished cheeseburger/softball were also involved by the cancer as well.

All this ovary talk makes one think, oh no!  Now Ovarian Cancer?  Whoa, hold those reins partner.  As I said, my tubes, eggs and ovaries... toast, fried eggs, deep fried-carnival Oreos.  The key term in my "new" diagnosis is Metastatic:  Metastasis (thanks Wikipedia!), or metastatic disease, is the spread of a cancer from one organ or part to another non-adjacent organ or part. 

Different turf, yet still considered cervical.  Oy vey.  I remember after my 1st meeting with Dr. Numnum, that I felt lucky that I was surgical   Cervical cancer is a sneaky snake, that typically when discovered, is a Stage 3-4 and a honkin' mass.  He, Dr. Numnum, said it was not something that we wanted to come back.... (remember what I said earlier about the Jack Nicholson quote?)

Now, mine was surgically removed 2/13/12, and yes, it has returned.  I was lucky to be surgical, BUT my pattern of recurrence is dffierent, and not great..... I have an aggressive cancer..so I’m special?  I WAS the Baby of the Week, Newscarrier of the Week, and I am quite aggressive when it comes to athletics, my children, chocolate fondue and knowing my technology at school, but cancer?  Not a competition I wanted to win.

So my next steps are still a bit sketchy.

I need to:
See Dr. Numnum, my Gynecological Oncologist, next week,
THEN, have a meet & greet with Dr. Gajera, my Medical Oncologist,
then have a PET Scan,
then meet again with Dr. Gajera for my "plan"
then get a port to dump some chemo junk in my trunk
then start treatments

Taking it easy has been kind of hard, but I have only broken the rules once.  I have enjoyed wearing my jammies, my yoga pants that have never been to yoga (thanks for the term Whitney!), and proudly going commando each and every day (don't hate, have you seen the 10" vertical incision?).  Not sure what commando is?  Ask a 9 year old boy.  Between that and mommy monitoring her "gas", John Michael's abs have been a hurtin' due to giggles.

I was magically transported into healing by a visit from my sister Pam, her sweet Gracie Girl (8), Georgia (4), my  BGF (best girl friend), her lab Henry and her knitted knockers / foobs / fake boobies.  Pam has recovered fabulously from her bye bye both boobies surgery and heads into the world of chemo next week.  Please, PLEASE, continue to lift her and her girls up.  Please life up our Mom, as she tries to manage 2/3 of her her girls on chemo, and our baby, teeny tiny sister, Michelle.  Breasts? Cervix?  What if?  She's the healthy one, the healer, the one carrying our heartache.  She's also the one that will be the first to take a boot and shove it.... well, you know where.  All the while dressed fabulously in Ann Taylor, with her son on her hip, daughter wrapped around her calf, older daughter two steps behind, and her husband secretly squirreling undetected in the vicinity.

I truly appreciate all the offers of help, and I / we PROMISE to ask if we need any.  John has jumped in and is handling everything swimmingly.  Our crazy carpooling, was already kind of in place before I knew I was sick.  Meals?  Sure!  Random mail? bring it!  Silent prayers from your heart? Yes!!  We are thankful for them and thankful for each of you.

So, in the meantime, here I am.  If you text me to see "how I'm doing" and I don't text you back immediately, or even that day, please do not take it personally.  I love / enjoy each of you, but, well...

Want to visit, I'm here!  Come on over!  Grab the mail and the paper on your way in!  Guest room sheets are clean, you might just have to make the bed!


Well, now that your head is spinning and you need a Xanex with a Gentleman Jack chaser, I'll sign off.

Be brave, be strong, be gentle, be soft.  Have more faith today, than you had yesterday.  Believe in the good stuff.  It is there, I promise.

Be well~
~Suzanne

Heading Home!

I'm busting outta here today! Woo hooo. Still on liquids but I'm okay with that! Beer, tequila, Kahlua... All liquids!

Should have path report in hand before leaving... PET scan on 3/4 follow up here 3/6. Meet w medical oncologist (chemo guy) in Hopkinsville at some point.

No clue on what stage I am, nor do I have photos (eww!) of the freak of natures that I was incubating.

For today, I am Off to shower and fling rubber glove balloons across the hall at crazy moaning lady until John arrives to take me home!

Be well!

Crap! Crud! Seriously?

Sad to say, but cancer it is (again)! No clue as to type or staging, but do know one thing: chemo will be my cocktail.

Sigh.

Xo

Ouch!

Leapin' Lizards!! My belly hurts! Guess that happens when " abs of steel" :) are cut through. I have a pain Rx button though, yummy!

Surgery went well from what I hear. No pathology info yet though... He removed the giant smushed softball mass and his cousin, the bit larger than golf ball.

Was a little slow waking up, but did so to 3 of my favorite faces. John, and our dear friends and neighbors, Charles and Paige. Love them super big. No idea if we talked, as I was loopy, but I do remember them praying over me. God is great! I am certain their prayer restored a small bit of my belief, and if not that, their all-encompassing hugs-o-love.

Well, feeling sleepy. Just wanted to check in.

Be well, be amazing , be kind, be badass everyday.
Suzanne

Bring It!

Well, today is the day! Preparing to leave the house with no mascara. Gasp! Those who know me, know I do not even mow the lawn without it! :)

Heading out around 9, waiting for our sweet Natalie to come and take care of our freckly, blue-eyed babes.

Running on little sleep, and adrenaline, but all is well. Watching our son, win 2nd place at elementary state youth wrestling tourney warmed my soul and fired up the competitive engine. At one point I wondered if he could get a technical for having a crazy, growl-screaming momma sitting in the stands? :) It would have made my mother proud!

I woke early, and enjoyed mommy secret time. This is when I sneak ninja-like into my children's rooms, and watch them rest. Mary Elizabeth's lips are puffy and pink, with her hands held high above her head, infant like. Among her 312 stuffed animals, and wearing a Beiber nightgown, she is still my sweet, tiny, pink baby girl.
Bag is packed, darks are on. JM :) he's part manly now: taking his pj shirt off as he sleeps. Although not too sure if cuddling Perry the Platypus reeks testosterone. His freckles are frecklier, and his face is a gift from God. A gift that made me a mommy.

Now that I have inhaled their sweet, sweet scents and packed it inside for a few, I'm ready. Will update later/tomorrow when I'm feeling improved.

Bring. It. On.

Be well,
Suzanne

One Year! Rock On???

One year, 365 days, 12 months, 525949 minutes ago today, I became cancer free!  Today is meant to be a celebration.

This last year has been filled with highs, lows, and many in-betweens.  I have watched my children grow, flourish, amaze, and love.  Just when I think that could not be any more amazing, they once again surpass my beliefs.

My health has been great, and I have worked to become healthier to ensure a long, healthy life...

Every three months I've enjoyed leaving my oncologist, with a happy, cancer-free, see you in three!  

My hope has always been, to pray ceaselessly, that cancer never touches my family or me again.  Last week, my sister Pam underwent a bilateral mastectomy, with the removal of several infected lymph nodes as well.  She's mending like a gem.  Preparing for life without cancer, and a bit of chemo and radiation as well.

My sister Michelle had a bit of a pickle as well, but all turned out clear.  Yay!

Well, when I first blogged about my cervical cancer, I believe I called it "Spilling the Beans."  

Well, Got Beans?  ugh... 

On Monday, I'm having surgery again....  

At Centennial again. 

My oncologist is doing it again

I'll miss 4-6 weeks of work again....

Cancer?  Hope not!  

I have Freak of nature size ovarian cysts that are hard, painful, evil, make my belly stick out like I'm pregnant and make my cute Ann Taylor pants too tight...

A PET scan was scheduled for tomorrow, but my insurance that has paid 100% of all this cancer crap, decided it wisn't necessary since I'm having surgery anyway....  Stupid crackheads.

So.  I get to go into surgery not knowing, to hopefully wake up to the words.  No cancer.  Hopefully?  No, I WILL hear those words.  "No cancer, cancer free, squeaky clean..." anything.  

My poker face is gone.  CIA Sue as my sister's call me is tired.  I'm spent.  My tears are gone.  Now, I'm throwing on my darks, and fighting this possible pile o'nasty.

This WILL BE all clear.  It has to be.  Do I have fight left in me?  Please, have you met me?  I can kick a** and take names, ALL. DAY. LONG.  Cancer will not be the first, nor will it be the last.  My sisters, brother and I were raised to be 

 INDEPENDENT**STRONG***CONFIDENT***STRONG***POLITE***GIVING**STRONG**UNDERSTANDING**EDUCATED***STRONG

Giving up and giving into fear are not in my vocabulary.  

I draw my strength from many sources: God (who yes, does get questioned), my Mom, my sisters, my family, my children.  

Not many know about this, and if you are just finding out, and are upset that I did not tell you personally, well.... you try explaining this 325 times, over and over.. " It could be, it couldn't be..." and answering the questions over, and over, and over while biting your lip, thinking of your sister, missing your sisters,wanting to be with your sisters, wanting your Mom with you immediately because she makes it better, worried about your kids, and hey!  writing lesson plans for 4-6 weeks... 

So, until Monday, or Tuesday... take your free moment, and think of people out there that are fighting a silent battle.  Behind the smiles are tears, underneath the sweaters are scars.  Think of the mommies who are fighting their fights, while tending their littles, and so much more.  Think of the sweet little kiddoes and even the big ones that know their mommies are struggling, but not sure why, how, or how to help them

It will NOT be cancer.  I believe that firmly.  Bring it.

Be well....