Hat Trick?

Cancer, part III.  Yep, I'm the cancer hat trick, 3rd time is a charm, however you want to say it.  Cancer does not have me, I have IT!

Recurrent metastatic cancer, that is behaving more like ovarian than my original cervical diagnosis.  I have no ovaries, and never "had" ovarian cancer, but the aggressiveness, travelling beast that will not stay gone, is taking on identities of other types of the beast.  I'm wondering if bipolar cancer is a better diagnosis?Adenocarcinoma is my beast, and it sucks.

My PET scan was this past Monday, 12/16, and I was naughty and got my results before the doctor.  I had them Tuesday afternoon.  If I told you otherwise, I lied to you, sorry.

I have a cystic mass that is cancerous on my L pelvic wall, and cancerous areas under my liver, near my colon, BUT not attached to either.  Instead of throwing the kitchen sink, we are throwing the whole kitchen now.  New chemo drugs, which are supposedly easier on me, rock ON!  Woot!  Gemzar and Carboplatin...

Will do three cycles, have a CT scan to check sizes, assessing, shrinkage / growth.  Will then continue, or increase aggressiveness of treatment.  I am also being referred to clinical program admission process at the Sarah Cannon Cancer Center.  Sarah Cannon's stage name was Minnie Pearl.  I'm thinking about procuring a straw hat with a tag? Nah, I'll go urban and get a ball cap and leave the stickers on, 'cause that is how I roll.

Chemo starts next Thursday, 12/26, then the following, 1/2, then a week off... Rinse and repeat...

Please pray for my children, my husband, and my family as we once again don our armor for battle and hope to understand; why me?  why our family?.... Again.

This sucks, bigtime... but, I look the same, feel great, and have a fierce drive to kick this to the curb, yet again.

Thanks for your support, love, and prayers for a cure.

Be well, be honest, be kind, be amazing. 

PET Scan is a pickle

Having a repeat of today's PET Scan done tomorrow.  NO, not because it was showing naughty things... but because I was naughty and drank some coffee, too much sugar in my system, blah, blah, blah.

Maybe if they would have TOLD me to starve and dehydrate myself I would have know.  And yes, I've had a PET scan before, my memory is not that of an elephant.

Stay tuned... results should still be in on Wednesday....

Farewell Friends!

Saying farewell to my trusty trio of anti-nausea meds. They have been a staple in  my makeup drawer for months.  I have been free of them for a week now and feeling chipper.... So into the keeping-just-in-case drawer they go!

My second farewell of the week! 

Be well, Be kind, Be Awesome!

Weekly lab visits are finished!

Very excited today was my last Friday visit with labs.  I have visited them weekly since March ....

I went out with a bang though... I think they filled every color vial they had...  And probably took some extras just in case

Thankful for their awesome receptionists and my favorite phlebotomist Mr. Ronald. He was the gentlest stick there and they always allowed me to request him :)

Happy Friday!

What happened to MY summer?

In a blink of an eye, turn of a calendar page, summer, for me, is finished.  Tomorrow is the return of the 5:30 wake up and spending my weekdays with hundreds of children who are not mine.  While I LOVE my job and all that entails, my schedule does not match that of my children, my vacations, breaks, nada.  I am wondering if I'm the beginning to be like the farmer in the parable of the rich fool we heard of today in church.    Luke 12:13-21   Do I have my goods laid up for many years?  Am I keeping my treasures for myself?  By no means am I / are we rich, but my job, well, I make a pretty penny more than my local counterparts.  Many days as of late I have wondered at what cost?  Missing time with our children, paying others to watch them while they are on vacation....

My re occurrence of cancer has allowed me, most often times forced me, to look twice, think twice, then reevaluate, pray, and wish for the best.  I remember going into surgery in February every told me it WILL be okay!  How did they know?  I could not necessarily believe that, how could they?  Looking back, I did believe it would be okay, and I too, was wrong.  Did it hurt?  HELL yes it hurt.  How many times have you had a doctor look you in the eyes and tell you you have cancer, again.  Have you had to call your sisters and tell them?  Your mother?  It was so hard.  I couldn't call my brother, I was too tired.  I made my sister do it.
Now, I look twice, savor three times, and believe non stop.  If I stop believing now, when will I ever begin again?  This summer I have savored the ice cream mustaches, believed in the s'more sticky smiles, and loved the twinkling eyes over and over again.  Through them, and so much more, I believe that deep down inside I have been renewed in some way.  While I truly hope that it is my health that has been renewed, there are other aspects of my life that have been changed forever as well.

As I head back to school, I'm still tired.  My last round of chemo, last week, was a WHOPPER.  I did make it to work Thursday and Friday, but quite honestly, I have not a clue of what I did, where I went, or who I saw.  In the haze of post-chemo exhaustion and anti-nausea meds, I trudged through.  For those that asked "How are you?" and I answered "fine," thanks for allowing me to lie.

My last round came and went with as much fanfare as a tetanus shot.  My nurses hugged me, and we all felt the sadness of farewell, but as I told them both "I hope I never see you again."  I mean it.  Chemo is a nasty beast that sucks the life out of a person, relationships, and families.  I've done my best, but hot dog! its a bear.  I'm looking forward to the day where I can no longer say I'm sick of being tired.  Right now I feel like it would take the power of 5 oxen to lift my arms.  I look forward to the day where I get to tuck my children in, instead of them tucking in me.

I've always heard how resilient children are... and boy, are they ever.  Our children have come through these past 5-6 months pretty darn well.  They have learned all about chemo, ports, platelets, illness, hair loss, exhaustion and more.  They have watched their mommy go from long and full hair to short and fuzzy, seen 15 lbs. packed back on, experienced and seen emotions and moments that one would never hope for their children.  At the end of the day?  They still are amazingly awesome.  I feel that their compassion has deepened, their emotions have strengthened, and that they are pricelessly perfect.

I so look forward to telling them that the cancer is gone. dead. extinct.  I will get to do that on the 11th of September, Patriot Day.  My PET scan is scheduled for September 9.  I'll get my results two days later when I meet with Dr. Numnum.

So for now, that is it.  I'm not sure if you will hear from me before September 11.  I would like to think so, but cannot promise.  I have a lot to do.  Mommy-ing, wife-ing, friend-ing, Suzanne-ing.

If YOU need something to do, this is what I suggest:

Eat pancakes in honor of my sister Pam:

"Monday August 5th is my six month anniversary of my surgery & the start of my recovery journey. My darling friend Kate Kramer suggested it is time another [flat as a] Pancake week!

For those of you who missed it last time, I am asking all those who know me, my sisters Suzanne Michener Bronson & Michelle Herlihy, and my mother Jaquie Michener Dever to eat pancakes this week in honor & support of those of us who have been flattened - literally, figuratively & emotionally - by cancer.

Only the bravest (or craziest!), actually eat pancakes all week long; but doing so even once may bring joy to your day/week, & remind you that this disease is not picky in who it chooses! Bite me cancer!" 

Find someone who needs a smile and give them one, or two!  Heck, they are free!

Go find a person that was rude to you, spoke ill of you.... and smile at them.  Touch them as you speak.  Your actions speak volumes.  You may not be ready to welcome them back into your life, but you may cause them to think further before they negatively impact another.

Write someone a letter.  A REAL letter.  I received one this week from my friend J in IN.  Brought me more joy than a case of Hershey's on a snow day!

Pay it forward.  Somewhere, somehow, YOU can be the bright spot in someone's day.  It does not require money, or materials.  It requires you.  Take a leap of faith and be there for someone.  Like you have been for me.

Be well, be kind, be blessed, be honest, be loved.  

Know that I am so very thankful for you taking the time to "be" with me for a few moments.

Know that I pray daily.  For myself, for many others, for YOU.  

Total Slacker......

I'm a total blog slacker, sorry.  It isn't that I do not think about it, but that I do not want to do it.  Some days it is very easy to sit and vomit my world onto the computer, but most days I prefer to pretend that all is good.

My platelets came back up, but are back in the pits.  I labbed last Friday,  7/19, and again yesterday, Tuesday 7/23 to make sure they were up... they are not, they are even lower.  Stupid platelets.  So if you see me, don't cut me, punch me, or cause injury to me.  Thanks.  Just need the little buggers to come up by next Monday.  I'll lab again Friday, stupid platelets.  No rise, no chemo.

Speaking of chemo, next week is my LAST ROUND!  Can I get a woot, woot!  Yee haw!  I'll go Mon-Weds., and that my friends is a wrap!(PET scan pending)  I will have a PET scan sometime around Labor Day to make sure there are no metastases.  I CANNOT wait to make sure this pickle of a body is squeaky clean.  Other than my freaky platelet issues, I've not had a single concern that would point to the chemo not doing its job, Hallelujah!  Post-chemo, it should take anywhere from 3-6 months for my body to return to "normal," whatever that may be.  For me, it will be a "new" normal.

My persepective on so much has changed; my health has struggled, my family has endured, my Faith has deepened, my views have changed.  I look forward to fewer naps, energy that lasts more than 30 minutes, my long, thick hair, full eye-lashes, disappearing chemo-acne, the end of frequent tears, skin without bruises, weeks without needles, time with my family that is not dictated by chemo schedules, lab draws, and pill schedules.  I look forward to making new friendships, renewing old ones, and rebuilding and repairing those that have suffered.

I look forward to uplifting friends as mine have uplifted me.  I have a friend Carol, who faithfully sends me a card, or two every week.  I have every card that she has sent, and read them repeatedly.  I find strength in them.  I find strength in her, in her unwavering faith in God that I will come through this healed, stronger, better.  She made me some cds of encouraging and uplifting Christian music, some of her favorites, and I listen often.  I actually have every card that anyone has sent me during this recurrence.  Every one.  Some I reread often, others I hold onto for strength in numbers.

Our annual trip to Michigan was refreshing, invigorating, full of love, giggles, fun, love, and perfection.  I am so very thankful for it each year.  Cousins, Lake MI, ice cream, parades, ice cream, Aunt Sue time, Aunt Sandy time, tiny cousin time, niece & nephew Annalee and Aaron joining us for the first.time.ever... Little Micayla flying here unaccompanied for the 3rd year and trekking with us again, ice cream.  Sand, kayaking, sunsets, handholding, sister time, husband time, grammy time, sky lanterns launched with wishes to eradicate cancer from our family.  Mischief and sometimes mayhem, its my little slice of heaven.  I felt renewed, refreshed, and ready to face round 5 of chemo.   My sister Pam was there too, and returned to chemo as well, her last!  She's prepping for radiation now, almost at the finish line!

 

Kiddoes have survived summer superbly.  We have not been the best at doing our summer work for school, but all will balance out.  We've tried to make their summer as normal as normal could be in this household.  Swimming, biking, glowsticks, lightning bugs, backyard bonfires, sunscreen, sprinklers and more.  John bought John Michael and I fancy new bikes, so bike riding is our new thing!  Anything to bring them joy during this crazy time, to turn their worries into wonders and remind them that life's joys are everywhere.

Work begins next week, blech.  We go back July 31, with student's 1st day Monday, August 5th.  I'm going to miss the 1st day most likely due to chemo, but will trudge through the next two.  I'm going to miss my babies terribly.  I cherish our time in the summer greatly and have wondered if my working where I do is the best choice for our family.  I would love to have more time with my children, my husband...  Anyone have a crystal ball I may borrow?

Anyhow, next week it is.  Heading back for my 16th year with Fort Campbell Schools.  Looking forward to year two of teaching STEM, new faces, new challenges, but not some changes.  Will desperately miss my dear friend Courtney who is moving to VA.  Today we had a "farewell" for her, and I think I spent more time looking away, than I did looking at her.  Every time I did, tears formed, a lump grew, and my heart ached.  Its not often when you meet a truly, truly great person.  I'm not great at farewells, and wished I could have hidden in a bush like John Michael did when he was little and guests would leave.  I've leaned heavily on her smile, heart, strength and faith over the years, and have learned so much from her.  To be honest, its going to be tough without knowing her smile is right around the corner and down the hall.  I'll find my joy, find my smile, find my happiness there again, but will miss her deeply.

Kiddoes are looking forward to school, for the most part.  Busy with losing teeth, cheerleading, Tae Kwon Do, and Middle School soccer!  Their school allows 4th & 5th grades to play middle school sports.  JM has enjoyed the practices and has participated in camp this week with the "big boys" this week.  He is the only incoming 4th grade that has attended all of camp, and has had quite the big time.  When I picked him up this morning, he and his pal, "D Mac" I believe were walking together.  The older boy patted him on the head, gave him some "knuckles" and told him that he was proud of his hard work and had played great as a defender.  According to JM this young man was the varsity goalie and his new pal.  I of course got teary and had to get in the car.  Poor JM almost DIED when he saw my tears and gave an exasperated sigh at mom and her tears... sweet guy.  Between that and me rocking a wig to pick him up the other day, he may claim another mommy as his own.  Mary has been rocking cheer like a queen and is looking forward to the new uniforms and competition season to start!  She's changing teams within her gym, partnering up with girlies more her age and is thrilled that her "BFFs" are on the new team.  Thankful to know that her coaches know what is best for her and the teams.  Very blessed to have people coaching and caring for our babies like we do!

  

Chemo is almost complete.  Cancer should be gone.  Spirits are a bit low.  Things will get better.  Life will go on.

That is all I have for now!  

Be well, be kind, be blessed, be honest, be loved.  

Know that I am so very thankful for you taking the time to "be" with me for a few moments.

Know that I pray daily.  For myself, for many others, for YOU.  

Summer Fun with Cancer? Trying!

It has been so long I do not even know where to begin.  I feel like I have continuously ridden on a jerking, scream inducing, smile creating roller coaster.

Chemo has gone well in general.  Round 4 is finished, two more to go!  Some troubles with nausea still, but very manageable.  Sleeping beauty days are still around, but less so.  Hair loss has been consistent, revving up a bit lately.  I bit the bullet a few weeks ago, and had my hairdresser trim the scragglies.  The above shoulder bob was cute at the time, with an addition of bangs, but as the hair loss continues I often find myself considering shaving the rest off.  I am covered in hair constantly, its on the floor, the counters, in my food…. As I still have two treatments to go; not sure how much I’ll have left after those anyhow.  I think I’d probably rock a scarf after I get trained by my Deidra…  Jury is out for now.

My labs have faired … fair.  I’m currently in trouble for low platelets.  I’m under 60 which is the super naughty zone.  So no punching me, cutting me, roughhousing.    I re-draw on Monday, maybe Wednesday, and Friday next week.  All while on vacation, good times!  Not.  Stupid platelets and clotting factor. 

Relay for Life… 

Rocked.

It is very difficult for me to “let” others do things for me.  I love helping others, and doing things for them.  I’m pretty simple, easy to please, but wow.  If I counted the acts of kindness and generosity people have done for my family and myself, well, my fingers and toes are not enough.  My dear friend Jessica was our visionary: creating Team Suzanne and rallying the troops, getting people motivated, designing and marketing the *rock*star*shirts…..Team Suzanne raised over $5,000.00 and is ranked 8th of 45 teams here.  And to think this was only our first year!

My friends Dana and Libbie hosted the Save A Cowgirl cookout.  Complete with hay bale seating, fabulous food, friends, and fellowship.  My parents special friend, Nancy, even made the 6 hour drive down to surprise us all... I was speechless...

John Michael and Mary Elizabeth’s friend Anna joined them for a lemonade and goody sale at church, where my buddy Paige helped out by baking some fab.u.lous cookies.  

  Mary Elizabeth’s pals Allie and Brianne, with brothers Logan & Braden, Mommyies Leann and Michelle, hosted a Lemonade stand in their neighborhood…. 

My friend Jill coordinated and hosted a out of this WORLD yard sale and friend Brandi designed and ordered the grooviestTeam Suzanne bracelets…..  

The list goes on and on. 

The actual event was amazing, IS amazing.  Have you been?  You must.  I hope to never miss one again.  Ever.  As a survivor, supporter, fundraiser, volunteer.  I have been inspired, educated, and deeply, deeply touched in a way by this event that I will make it my mission to always be involved.  My friends that came, and wished to come... thank you so much for being a part of that evening.  Your children, your pictures from far away, texts of support, presence in person.  I am deeply honored and humbled.  I made new friends, held hands with Jill and new pal April while listening to a prayer that touched my soul.

Summer....

                Summer is speeding along.  Kind of feel like I’ve missed most of June, and what really bites is that I go back to work in 33 days.  Yep.  July 31.  Ugh.  We’ve been swimming, playing , bouncing, exploring, snow cone eating and more.  Cousin Micayla flew in for her yearly visit with us and we are quickly upon our favorite part of this season, MICHIGAN!  We are soon heading to the Village of Empire, MI to spend the week at Aunt Sue’s and in Lake Michigan!  Time with all of our cousins, aunties, uncles, grammy, grandpa, and more cousins…  Two are first timers, we can’t wait!  I’m hoping to spend lots of time pretending I’m  a regular gal and forget about this cancer business, but with lab visits up there too…. I’ll try my hardest.

                Both children participated in our local Soap Box Derby, making it to the 4^th round ( I believe) . 

 

     Great fun was had, sportsmanship demonstrated, snacks eaten.  A good day.  

JM is progressing steadily at TKD.  He is now a high blue belt, and had his first board break (click the link!) at his last testing.  It was a big week for the kids, as Mary Elizabeth got her back handspring on the floor (click the link!).  Proud of them both.  They work  very hard in school, and their determination pays off.  Both finished the year with fabulous reports and their test scores R.O.C.K.E.D.  As a teacher, I know the educational demands, and how much importance is placed upon testing, blah, blah,blah… but when I saw their scores, well:  data speaks.  I get data, I know what it means, and well… yay JM & ME!

US :)

     John has transitioned to his "new" life as a civilian well and is loving being home.  After 26 years of driving, he did something he has never done.  He bought a new vehicle, for himself.  He has always spoken of his desire to have a truck, and well.... he made it happen.  He's been smiling since he left the lot.  The kids are having a big time playing in the back of it, and want to change the laws so they can ride around the town in  the back!

                

     As always, thank you for being with me, with us, on this journey.  It has not been an easy one, and as of late, ever more a pickle.  I've learned many lessons over the last few months, some beyond amazing, some... well, tearful each time I think of them.

   

 

 I am thankful for you.  Thank you for being thankful for me.

Be well, be kind, be honest, be loved, be blessed.....

Cancer.... Keeps. On. Going.

Well, surprise, cancer is still here and chemo still bites!  Hot diggity does it ever!  Not that I’m expecting it to get any easier, but whew! Can’t a sister get a break! 

Round two is in the books!  I made it through all three days, to include Avastin, which I did not have with my 1^st cocktail.  Its like the cherry on a Shirley Temple, makes it 30% better.  Yep, that is what some of my days consist of:  looking at my treatments realizing that one drug gives me a 30% increase in life expectancy. Yep, life expectancy, another term not thrown around often in these parts, but sadly, we all should sit back once in awhile and think about it.   Please know that I DO NOT spend my days figuring my odds, because A: I’m not a morbid freak and B: I only figure odds in Vegas! But, I do know what the future may or may not hold for me.  I like data, I like numbers.  Is it the teacher in me or the mommy who just needs to know the who, what, why, when, and where, but I like numbers.  The numbers the Avastin can give me, I’ll take, but….

Blech:  the chemo this time with the Avastin thrown in has been as my sisters and I would say, very barfy-mato.  Despite receiving anti-nausea meds in my Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday infusions, I’ve also been medicating at home with the rotating trifecta of Phenergan, Compazine, and Zofran.  Good times people.  Combine this with hot flashes, constant headaches, and feeling and exhausted, and Bazinga!.. crappy week.  Oh, and my white counts bottomed out, so I received a lovely Neulasta shot that gives long bone pain, and am grounded from work until my counts are back up.  Elementary school = 100s of kids = millions of germs = Suzanne stay home L.  This of course stinks, because I MISS WORK!  I miss my people, my pals, my babies.  I’m sick of the couch, the bed, the porch.  I miss being a mommy and a wife.  I’m sick of being sick.

I missed my daughter's cheer banquet today.  While I am so very thankful that a dear friend was able to take Mary Elizabeth, it still stunk.  I was snoozy, barfy, yucky.... I missed it.  I missed her getting her team trophy, and her best hair under 12 trophy!  Ugh!  We've been rocking those sponge rollers and teasing that bump and I missed it!  Cancer made me miss it.   My child's moment.  

I did have a few epiphanies this week though.  I made a new friend at chemo.  Her name is Theresa.  She is a pastor’s wife, and she is a gem.  She reminds me of my dear friend Deidra, in that she’s direct, lovely, has a smile the size of Alaska, and wears zippy shoes and has a purse to match.  She also reminds me of her, because with a single question, she was able to get me to look inside myself to see who I am.  I shared this on Facebook, but wanted to include it here to, as not everyone is on FB!

May 1

"My new friend Theresa, a chemo pal, asked me a poignant question today: "Who are you?" For some reason, it made me cry. I KNOW who I am, but then again, I wondered, really? "who AM I?' Well...

I'm a daughter to a gem who became a cancer widow at the age of 43. I was 11; my siblings 7, 16, 18. I'm a sister to Michelle, Pam and Scott, Laurie and Aaron, a cousin to Leslie, Kristi, John Howard, Steve, Tim, Tom, Chris and Keith. A niece to Sue, Sandy, Suzanne. I am a friend to rockin' people, and a mommy to two of the most amazing children ever. Think I'm teasing? Have you MET my children? really.. I'm a lover, an emotional gal, who also keeps things inside. I would perform violent acts against anyone that tried to hurt my family, yet, I want to make mean people nice.

I'm a public school teacher that sends her children to private school. I love technology in education and yes, I think worksheets are stupid for the most part. I prefer paperless teaching and learning and strongly support differentiated teaching. Not sure how to differentiate in your teaching? Give me 10 minutes.  Really teachers, not that hard!

I love our fat cat Harry, drive a mini-van that could use a vacuum, I use profanity outside of school, am very ADHD, and think chocolate is a gift from God, truly.

I am a PROUD American. I love GOD! Even though the big booger "chose" me for this battle, I love him. I am repeatedly asked how and why? My only response: because: if not me, then who? My daughter? My son? My husband? I will gladly and bravely face any battle head-on, than allow those I love to endure the pain.

I am a cancer survivor who is now a cancer patient, again. I think chemo sucks the big wazoo, but will keep going because I love to kick ass! I'm a girl who shares chemo stories with her big sister, because she is fighting the fuc*ing beast at the same time as I am. I'm a girl who weeps in the shower, PRAYING, this goes away, and stays away, from my daughter, my nieces, my sisters, me. 

Ask me how I am? I will tell you I am fine, and I am. I am fine.

Fine to smile

Fine to cry

Fine to weep while my hair covers my shirts as it comes out

Fine to cuss, nap, and ignore texts and phone calls and not care. 

I'm a girl who does NOT want to hear another person tell her of someone she knew that had cancer and chemo, and they died. Really? Who raised you?

I'm a girl with manners, values, grammar, and knows the difference between through and threw.
I'm a girl in love with a boy who gave her sweet babies, and is loving her through this beast of a battle. THAT is who I am."

The next day, May 2:

Sitting at chemo and a lady just asked me what today is and I replied " May 2nd, National Day of Prayer." 

Shortly thereafter, our chemo room looked like a pole dancing convention. All the ladies, even the wobbly ones were up and at 'em, circling up to pray for each other, our families, our friends that are by our sides. Thanking God for giving us this challenge and not those that we love. 

Needed this today. Needed this.....

Two very important days for me. 

So, now, I’m here.  Sunday night, fingers crossed that Monday, tomorrow, does not bring what the last Monday following chemo brought :x(.  Fingers also crossed that white counts go up too!

Down and out?  Me?  Never!  I can have cruddy days and moments, but so very much to be thankful for!  My family, my friends, you! 

A shiny spot?  My dear, lovely, dear friend Jessica started a Relay for Life team for me: Team Suzanne.  Kind of hard to swallow at first for me, but then I just let go.  I prefer to give and do, than to receive and accept, but I'm trying.  If you'd like to join us, please do!  I believe it is a private group, but let me know and you can join in!  

Lots of fun planned, superhero theme, tee shirts, cowgirl saving cookout....  

I am thankful for you.  Thank you for being thankful for me.

Be well, be amazing, be loved, be blessed.....

 

Chemo Stinks

Two weeks ago, I wrote freely about how I was ready for chemo, had a plan, knew my drugs, was going to stay in Nashville, blah blah blah.  Despite having a sister who too is going through chemo, hearing her, and seeing her.... I was unprepared for it.

The acutal process of receiving chemo is in an odd-way somewhat spa like for me.  A lovely welcome from the ladies at the front, proper snacks.. beverages.  Heck, they even make accessing my port quick, easy, and painless.  The ladies that I met last week were gems, pure and simple.  I did chuckle a bit, as they kind of sit in cliques :)  I'm the newbie, so I floated like a social butterfly on my different days, choosing a seat in a new location daily.  Insurance was still being stinky with the Avastin, so I did NOT receive it.  Stupid paper pushers.  I'm on tap for next treatment, so...

I did not stay in Nashville, as John was available to drive me, and the kiddoes even came with us on Wednesday, so they could see where I go.  By Thursday, I was spent.  CRASH! BANG! POW! she's done!  My sister Pam calls it the Sleeping Beauty effect... wowza!  I think sudden onset of narcolepsy would apply :).  So, I've been napping on and off since arriving home last Thursday.  That, with a headache that kicked in on Tuesday from the high fluid push, and oy vey!  By Friday I had a physically detached feeling, kind of like my upper torso was floating separately from the rest of my body.  Now, I knew that the chemo would nail me Days 3-10, but by yesterday, Sunday, I was feeling fairly alive.  Went to church, fed my chemo cravings of Doritos and Chinese Food, visited with my girlies Courtney and Staci....  I was feeling fair!

And then came Monday.

Nausea? too polite of a word.  3 anti nausea prescriptions, one 41 mommy, and one nasty, violent, evil, evil, yucky chemo day.  My question?  Is today the end?  No other choice than to find out!

With all the yucky aside, I'll take the chemo, and all the funky, gunky, junk it entails, as it means something very important to me:  life.

Hair loss "should" be less loss more thinning, we shall see.

If my counts are up this Friday, I'm to head back to work for 2 weeks next week, before my next round.  I'm excited and nervous at the same time.  Nervous to see if I can physically make it a whole day without napping, but so excited to see my friends and the hundreds of kiddoes I love bundles!  Nervous to expose myself to the germ-pool that exists in an elementary school, but excited to teach again!

xo

~Suzanne

Ready for 3 day chemo! Retirement!

Ups and downs, highs and lows... that is what I've had, and what I have felt.

I'm still not 100% and that is frustrating.  I have days I think I could run a marathon and days that I wish to say in my pjs, and nap away the day.

My port placement was quick and to the point.  A 6:00am arrival had me home by 9:00 am, including a pit stop at McDonald's for an egg McMuffin and parfait (healing powers!)  I felt zippy and energized, then poof!  crashed like a demolition derby car.  Just another layer in the ouch!, makes me tired, wears me out, makes me hurt categories.

I've recovered from it, with just a hint of tenderness at the two incision points, and am slowly adjusting to having the large butterscotch disc under my skin.  I cover it when people hug me, as they unknowingly bump it, and am adjusting to certain required changes in things I do and how I do them.  I've bumped it fairly hard a few times, oy vey!  My children are so learning some new words! *^&(!!

CHEMO

John and I went to chemo class today.  What an educating experience.  I feel confident and comfortable with my plan and the people involved.  I'm ready.

Chemo will begin next Tuesday, April 2.  Because nothing about this has been "normal," I get to be unique once again.  My infusions will be spread across three days.  Yep.  I get chemo on Tuesday, Wednesday, AND Thursday.  Lucky me :)  My Day 1 will be 5-6 hours, days 2-3 will be 4-5.  I will receive the three day treatments every 21 days, 5-6 treatments depending on toxicity and progression.

We are fortunate that the American Cancer Society has a Hope Lodge right down the street.  It will allow me to stay, for free, while I do my treatments.  John, nor anyone else, are allowed to come into the room where patients are receiving treatments.  With that knowledge, and the fact that I'll be there for three days... well... I'm thinking I may just stay there.

Avastin has been approved, so I will be receving a cocktail of Cispatin, Topotecan, and Avastin.  The Avastin was just recently approved by the National Gynecologic Oncology Group for treatment of recurrent cervical cancer, with patients in the clinical trials having an added 30% increase in life expectancy.

The only pickle to all this?  My cocktail is a tough cookie.  They strongly recommend that I stay home for my first cycle.  Yep.  Home.  More.  While I enjoy being home to a point, I totally miss my job, my friends and my kiddoes!  Combine that with not having any more leave, and well... I'm not at a high point in my joy.
I want health, I want life, I want happiness.  If that means staying home, living frugally, any changes that need to be made, I'm in 197%.

FAMILY

My sister is doing well.  She just completed her 2nd treatment and while tired, is still her joyous, loving, amazing self.  Such a gift my sisters are.  If only I could grab their homes and pull us all a bit closer.

This past Friday was a great day of celebration.  Family and friends gathered to honor and celebrate John's 24 years of service to our great country.  He was honored during his ceremony, being recognized for all things secret squirrel like.  My emotions were bittersweet: thrilled to have him home, but saddened to see him bid adieu to all he has known and greatly loved for so long.

John's 20 year old son Adam, was able to visit / attend the retirement with us.  It has been too long since we have seen Adam, and simply, it was truly the icing on the cake/cherry on the sundae.  To say the children love him is too simple.  He is their idol, their dream, the greatest brother in the world.  While I am fairly sure his shoulders are sore, I know that he would have carried Mary Elizabeth to the moon and back.  Time flew too quickly, and the plane took him back to CT.  We are NOT going to wait too long to see him again.

Johns Aunt, sisters, and cousin were able to join as well.  Hard to believe it had been nearly 5 years since our last visit.  The kids had a ball spending time with them all.

The children had a big time playing on the Blackhawks, getting dirty :o), and being recognized for their sacrifices as well.  It is not easy being an Army kiddo, especially one in our house.  Our children are professional sayers of "hellos" and "bye byes" to their daddy.  We/ THEY look forward to occupying his days with all they encompass.

    

Thank you to each of you who have joined me in this journey of love, healing, faith, and support.  While in the midst of my moments of selfish sadness, I find comfort in your words, comments, cards, and love.  I feel the prayers, karma and support.  Sometimes I feel they are all I have to get me through a moment.  

Be blessed, be thankful, be well~

xo

Suzanne

PET, Port, Planning for Chemo, People

PET

PET scan was ALL CLEAR!  WOO HOO!!!

That means no more secrets hiding out in secret places!  Now.. to face the devil head on.

PORT

Up and at 'em in the morning for my port to be put in.  We have to be at the surgery center by 6; very thankful that my non-morning self lives less than 3 miles away.  My surgeon said the procedure takes approximately 20 minutes, so I will be home before lunch.

PLANNING

Chemotherapy plan is still in the planning.  I am NOT doing my treatments here in Hopkinsville.  After visiting  the medical oncology office here, leaving upset, scared, angry, and horrified, I took some time, some breaths, some prayer and long discussions with my little sister that was here, and my gyn. onc., Dr. Numnum, and realized the answer was right in front of me.

My treatments will be in Nashville, and I am so very much at peace with this decision.  Now, to get the ball rolling.  Dr. N is looking at protocol etc., but I should have a plan in place by the end of the week.  A drug that was just used in clinical trials in addition to what I would "normally" receive gave patients with a naughty, naughty cancer like mine, a 30% addition to their survival rates.  Avastin, in addition to the regular cocktail, is like throwing the kitchen sink at my junk.  Just need insurance approval...  I have a fair to good chance of it, as my 1st treatments, the surgery and radiation in 2012, failed.  We shall see.

PEOPLE

Telling your husband, sisters, brother, family members, and friends that you have cancer, AGAIN, stinks...

However, telling your children, seeing their faces, questions, tears, fears, and worries, is harder than anything I have ever done.  Tonight I shared my battle with the children's choir that I help with at church.  The quilting group of Hopkinsville FUMC made a quilt, and had it out, so that parishioners could say a prayer, and tie a knot for me.  Many of the children in the choir were at church and heard my name/saw the quilt and had questions.
Telling them was tough, to see their "big kid (2nd-5th) faces change/worry, was hard.  What was harder was what occurred when we got home.  At jammie time, after watching a movie, JM broke down.  My big boy, my big strong, freckly, blue-eyed baby cried, and hugged, and squeezed.  Then as quickly as it came, it moved on.  It just took Mommy's hugs, kisses, and for him to "feel" my love, and to know I was right there.

Mary Elizabeth witnessed his emotion, and while I recognized the worry across her face, she was okay.  She knew John Michael needed to hear, feel, and have Mommy.

Sigh... tough Mommy evening


My sister Michelle has come and gone.  My sister Pam surprised me with a visit too!  She and her girls rolled in Friday afternoon, just in time for fun in the sun and 75 degrees!  We had bunches of fun, and early Saturday drove to Nashville to watch Mary Elizabeth and her team cheer in the Mardi Gras competition. The  JAGS, her team, rocked it!  Adding another 1st place to their resume.  Because I still do not do well sitting / standing for a bit, we did not stay to watch the others as we normally do.  We headed back to home and were able to catch JM wrestle at his meet, winning 2/3 of his match ups.  Proud of my kiddos!

Well, chemo plan to come soon.  As always, thank you for taking a moment to check in.  This crazy roller coaster I'm on is manageable only because of a few things:  the love of my family, the love and support of my friends, and the support and love of the Big Guy making all the plans from above.

Be well, Be strong, Be bad-ass everyday :)

Xanax, Port, Chemo, Oh My!

I'm back! Whew! So, it has been nearly 2 weeks. Sorry for those creeping here daily, but I needed to go "radio-silent" as I say to my sisters...

Speaking of my rock-star, cougars and against cancer ass-kicking sisters, and Grammy too!:

Many have asked about my sister, Pam, who is also fighting her own battle with cancer. She as recovered from surgery fabulously, and began chemo last week. She is back to work as of yesterday and fighting like a girl! I'm still going to buy a lottery ticket and win, so she can quit all that lawyering business and come here!

Michelle is currently here! with two of her three. Mr. 17 months and Miss 3 year old, have kept me full of smiles and giggles so far this morning. Big sister wanted to stay NC so as to not miss school, PLUS have 4 nights of sleep overs with friends, woo-hoo! She has brought health, hope and healing with her <3

Grammy is hanging in there. Busy as ever with tax season, and day by day coping with all that late has put on the plates of her children. Big Daddy is taking care of her, but some hurts the heart cannot heal. I miss her daily and wish she was here to pet my hand.

I've been busy, busy, busy and John has been right at my side! Helping me, being both Mommy AND Daddy, and prepping for RETIREMENT!

Yep, next Friday, March 22! We are also having dinner catered here by Rutland's Catering!

Kiddoes! 

Our children do know. What do they know? Well, with the ages of 9 and 6, their questions and levels of understanding vary. 

They DO know Mommy is sick with cancer.
They DO know the sick is where my baby parts used to be.
They DO know I am going to take special medicines.
They DO know I may get a new hairstyle.
They DO ask questions almost daily. Yes, death has been questioned. 

It is okay to talk to children about cancer, and if your child knows mine, I ask that you please do. I'm not secretive, nor should you be. I'm more than happy to answer any questions that your child, or you may have.  

Here is my latest update...

Met with Dr. Numnum, my gynecological. oncologist in Nashville last week. Talked chemo mixes, my recovery, my outlook, etc.

What I know:
95% of people that had what I had last year would still be cancer free, I'm in the 5% (stupid percentages)
My cancer is nasty, highly aggressive
This is not going to be an easy fight

I'm going to stop there....

Fast forward to today,

John and I met with the local medical oncologist (chemo Dr.) and staff yesterday.. I was made to feel completely like a number, and by no means a name by the entire staff, except for the Dr., but had some initial concerns there too. I left in tears, my heart was racing, I felt defeated, when I had not even been given the opportunity to run the race.

I am who I am, and with that said, I called my radiation oncologist's nurse and was able to go to the other half of the office and meet with my radiation oncologist, Dr. Murray, who treated me last year, and shared ALL of my concerns from that day. He did reiterate what Dr. Numnum, had told me, that I can have my chemo anywhere, but I need to be comfortable where I do it, and with who. How is it possible that one half of an office can make you feel as if you are in an Aveda spa with a Buddhist temple like atmosphere, and the other side part third world?

With that said, I am considering doing my chemo in Nashville. I know the drive may be a pickle, but if you could seen me yesterday, well... you'd probably offer to drive me. John felt many of the same things as I did. I think we have been spoiled throughout this 13 month journey with Dr. Numnum, Dr. Murray, and even my regular OB-GYN, Dr. Gapp.

My oncologist in Nashville is just back from a national conference, where he presented and learned. His nurse called and said that he is excited to share some things with me, so we will talk tonight.

So..... here I am! 

PET scan is this Thursday

Chemo port being put in next Tuesday

Chemo tentatively scheduled to being the 25th of this month

Still not up to full speed, but getting there. Many days I feel like the fileted fish that I became during surgery, but my energy and ability to be up and about is increasing daily. Completely off pain meds, but am embracing Xanax for nerves/anxiety that has kicked in with all this.

I am so very thankful, WE are so very thankful, for all who are "with us" as we embrace and face this battle head-on. Am I scared? YES! Terrified even. Will you see it? Nope, but that is my choice. If you ask me how I am, you will probably receive a "great!" in reply, don't question it, just run with it....

I truly can feel the prayers, kind thoughts, and well-wishes, truly. The meals and cards, and my friend Sue's buckets-o-fun, have brought me more joy and strength, when I thought I had run out. I'm getting to see my dear friend Mary Anne bunches, as she drops items off, and am trying to see to joy in all things. I am a person of strong Faith, but I do question. I believe we can all attest to times of questioning our own faith. I do, however, remain faithful, humbled by God's glory each day.

Be well and big hugs,

Suzanne

One Week Later.... Yep, still Cancer!

One week after hearing the word...  CANCER

It is kind of like Jack Nicholson from The Shining, "I'm baaaack!"  Well, good, great, who the devil invited you?

It seems that my new/old friend has a name.  Metastatic Endocervical Adenocarcinoma.  Sounds fancy eh?

STAGE?  Everyone keeps asking, "what stage are you?" Nosy people!  (just kidding)  I will forever and ever be Stage 1B1.  Even though I'm all funky again, I'm just considered recurrent.  For those that are disappointed?  Kiss my needing-a-pedicure heel.  I am forever a number ONE, woo hoo!  No thinking about any other numbers, now you hear?

My innards (Northern family and friends: that is Southern for insides)  were pretty well fried from radiation.  The same radiation that I so proudly graduated from last April.  In my pathology report "quotations" were used around the terms ovary and fallopian tube, as they were a bit difficult to distinguish.
My right "ovarian" area had no invasive carcinoma.  Yet, the other right sided speciment AKA golf ball, was riddled with it.  My left "ovary and fallopian tube" and left sided remnant mass AKA squished cheeseburger/softball were also involved by the cancer as well.

All this ovary talk makes one think, oh no!  Now Ovarian Cancer?  Whoa, hold those reins partner.  As I said, my tubes, eggs and ovaries... toast, fried eggs, deep fried-carnival Oreos.  The key term in my "new" diagnosis is Metastatic:  Metastasis (thanks Wikipedia!), or metastatic disease, is the spread of a cancer from one organ or part to another non-adjacent organ or part. 

Different turf, yet still considered cervical.  Oy vey.  I remember after my 1st meeting with Dr. Numnum, that I felt lucky that I was surgical   Cervical cancer is a sneaky snake, that typically when discovered, is a Stage 3-4 and a honkin' mass.  He, Dr. Numnum, said it was not something that we wanted to come back.... (remember what I said earlier about the Jack Nicholson quote?)

Now, mine was surgically removed 2/13/12, and yes, it has returned.  I was lucky to be surgical, BUT my pattern of recurrence is dffierent, and not great..... I have an aggressive cancer..so I’m special?  I WAS the Baby of the Week, Newscarrier of the Week, and I am quite aggressive when it comes to athletics, my children, chocolate fondue and knowing my technology at school, but cancer?  Not a competition I wanted to win.

So my next steps are still a bit sketchy.

I need to:
See Dr. Numnum, my Gynecological Oncologist, next week,
THEN, have a meet & greet with Dr. Gajera, my Medical Oncologist,
then have a PET Scan,
then meet again with Dr. Gajera for my "plan"
then get a port to dump some chemo junk in my trunk
then start treatments

Taking it easy has been kind of hard, but I have only broken the rules once.  I have enjoyed wearing my jammies, my yoga pants that have never been to yoga (thanks for the term Whitney!), and proudly going commando each and every day (don't hate, have you seen the 10" vertical incision?).  Not sure what commando is?  Ask a 9 year old boy.  Between that and mommy monitoring her "gas", John Michael's abs have been a hurtin' due to giggles.

I was magically transported into healing by a visit from my sister Pam, her sweet Gracie Girl (8), Georgia (4), my  BGF (best girl friend), her lab Henry and her knitted knockers / foobs / fake boobies.  Pam has recovered fabulously from her bye bye both boobies surgery and heads into the world of chemo next week.  Please, PLEASE, continue to lift her and her girls up.  Please life up our Mom, as she tries to manage 2/3 of her her girls on chemo, and our baby, teeny tiny sister, Michelle.  Breasts? Cervix?  What if?  She's the healthy one, the healer, the one carrying our heartache.  She's also the one that will be the first to take a boot and shove it.... well, you know where.  All the while dressed fabulously in Ann Taylor, with her son on her hip, daughter wrapped around her calf, older daughter two steps behind, and her husband secretly squirreling undetected in the vicinity.

I truly appreciate all the offers of help, and I / we PROMISE to ask if we need any.  John has jumped in and is handling everything swimmingly.  Our crazy carpooling, was already kind of in place before I knew I was sick.  Meals?  Sure!  Random mail? bring it!  Silent prayers from your heart? Yes!!  We are thankful for them and thankful for each of you.

So, in the meantime, here I am.  If you text me to see "how I'm doing" and I don't text you back immediately, or even that day, please do not take it personally.  I love / enjoy each of you, but, well...

Want to visit, I'm here!  Come on over!  Grab the mail and the paper on your way in!  Guest room sheets are clean, you might just have to make the bed!


Well, now that your head is spinning and you need a Xanex with a Gentleman Jack chaser, I'll sign off.

Be brave, be strong, be gentle, be soft.  Have more faith today, than you had yesterday.  Believe in the good stuff.  It is there, I promise.

Be well~
~Suzanne

Heading Home!

I'm busting outta here today! Woo hooo. Still on liquids but I'm okay with that! Beer, tequila, Kahlua... All liquids!

Should have path report in hand before leaving... PET scan on 3/4 follow up here 3/6. Meet w medical oncologist (chemo guy) in Hopkinsville at some point.

No clue on what stage I am, nor do I have photos (eww!) of the freak of natures that I was incubating.

For today, I am Off to shower and fling rubber glove balloons across the hall at crazy moaning lady until John arrives to take me home!

Be well!

Crap! Crud! Seriously?

Sad to say, but cancer it is (again)! No clue as to type or staging, but do know one thing: chemo will be my cocktail.

Sigh.

Xo

Ouch!

Leapin' Lizards!! My belly hurts! Guess that happens when " abs of steel" :) are cut through. I have a pain Rx button though, yummy!

Surgery went well from what I hear. No pathology info yet though... He removed the giant smushed softball mass and his cousin, the bit larger than golf ball.

Was a little slow waking up, but did so to 3 of my favorite faces. John, and our dear friends and neighbors, Charles and Paige. Love them super big. No idea if we talked, as I was loopy, but I do remember them praying over me. God is great! I am certain their prayer restored a small bit of my belief, and if not that, their all-encompassing hugs-o-love.

Well, feeling sleepy. Just wanted to check in.

Be well, be amazing , be kind, be badass everyday.
Suzanne

Bring It!

Well, today is the day! Preparing to leave the house with no mascara. Gasp! Those who know me, know I do not even mow the lawn without it! :)

Heading out around 9, waiting for our sweet Natalie to come and take care of our freckly, blue-eyed babes.

Running on little sleep, and adrenaline, but all is well. Watching our son, win 2nd place at elementary state youth wrestling tourney warmed my soul and fired up the competitive engine. At one point I wondered if he could get a technical for having a crazy, growl-screaming momma sitting in the stands? :) It would have made my mother proud!

I woke early, and enjoyed mommy secret time. This is when I sneak ninja-like into my children's rooms, and watch them rest. Mary Elizabeth's lips are puffy and pink, with her hands held high above her head, infant like. Among her 312 stuffed animals, and wearing a Beiber nightgown, she is still my sweet, tiny, pink baby girl.
Bag is packed, darks are on. JM :) he's part manly now: taking his pj shirt off as he sleeps. Although not too sure if cuddling Perry the Platypus reeks testosterone. His freckles are frecklier, and his face is a gift from God. A gift that made me a mommy.

Now that I have inhaled their sweet, sweet scents and packed it inside for a few, I'm ready. Will update later/tomorrow when I'm feeling improved.

Bring. It. On.

Be well,
Suzanne