Glowing, Humbled, Spent...

Humbled
I visited the EC Green Cancer Center today, and once again, found myself tearful and humbled.  When I entered, I first noted that I was the youngest person present.  After meeting with the receptionist and sitting down, across from an older couple, the wife looked at me, grabbed her husbands hand, and was tearful.. for me.  She told me that she had watched me sit down, which is sometimes still a slow, somewhat tender process and that it hurt her heart, that I was too young to be there.  I politely gave here the 1 minute story explaining that my cancer was gone, and that I was there for a little "insurance."  She hugged me and told me she would pray.  She took out her pen, and wrote down my name, so she would not forget it.  I sat alone, and took an encompassing peek at everyone there and noticed the beauty of each person there.  The cute older man, who wore his ball cap on the tip top of his head, like my dad does.  The lady who really likes bright colors, but had beautiful hands like my mom, and wears the same tennis shoes as her too!  The couples holding hands, the men chatting up UK basketball over their pre-chemo coffee.  I've seen and spoken to several people today, yet shared none of this.  A somewhat private moment that I am now making public.

Spent

I have been a bit of a hot mess today, but slowly and silently joy found its way back into my heart and mind.  I'm feeling yucky and extra sore, and the thought of working 40 hours makes me want to weep.  John is out of town, which I am VERY used to, but pathetically, I miss him desperately, despite his absence being less than 36 hours thus far...  When I came home from the doctors, I left again to eat with my dear Myra.  Trust me, if you know Myra, you would know that no matter what, her hugs, smile and warmth can make a bad moment turn great.  After lunch I headed home to nap, only to discover one of my favorite 82 year old neighbor outdoors.  We wound up talking for nearly 2 hours.  Again, lifting my heart.
Then heading to get the kiddoes and homework in the parking lot while waiting for wrestling...  As we sat in the car, I (pathetically) ran out of gas.  Great, the icing on the cake right?  Nope.  Mary and I walked JM to practice and went and found our favorite teacher/friend/love.... who drove us the the gas station, laughed with and AT me, helped me, and then took us back to school...  The giggling, laughing, and making fun of myself truly helped.  Thank you Jessica <3  I'm still spent though.  Guess we all have our gray, crappy days.  Tomorrow I'll do my 2 mile walk, and then go to Starbucks.  Everything is better when you have had Starbucks...

Glowing

My sweet friend Mary Anne, who I love more than lots of things has taken to calling me sparky and firefly, and talking about me GLOWING :)  Funny girl... well, I guess she will get to see as radiation is a go.  Today's appointment was all about setting up my markers, making some mold for ??? ( I forgot) and getting CT scans with and without a barium insert so they can do ensure the setup for the small box radiation vs. a full pelvic panel.  I was teary the whole time, again, a hot mess.  The nurse, Melissa, is a phenom and hung with me the whole time.  I may need to get some Xanax or something here soon.  Radiation should start in the next week or two...  25-30 sessions...

Sigh...

So, there you have it:
I WILL have radiation
I AM secretly a bit of a hot mess
I CONTINUE to be so very humbled..

Thanks for joining me on my journey and sharing my little / big things...

Radiation?? YMCA fun :)

Still waiting on radiation decision...  we met with local radiation oncologist last week, 3/6/12, what a humbling time.  Our local cancer center, the EC Green Cancer Center, was wonderful.  The welcome was warm, comforting, private and professional.  It was quiet, peaceful, filled with wonderful people there for many reasons.  Support, care, chances...

Whatever their reasons were, as we looked around the room, John and I held hands, and did not speak.  We knew that 2 more weeks longer, and our story would be very different. 

We immediately met with Melissa, the radiation RN.  We spent over half an hour with her, she is fabulous..  I was a little emotional sitting in the meeting room: looking around, taking it all in....
We then met with Dr. Murray, for over 45 minutes.  He went through my background, discovery and diagnosis, and surgery etc.  He requested to personally review my slides with the local pathologist..  Today I spoke to him again.  He has review my slides with the local path, conferred with the pathologist at Centennial, and my local OB, Dr. Gapp.  Just waiting on a call from my gyn. oncologist, then the final decision will be made.  We WILL have an answer by Friday. 

Started walking at the Y yesterday.  I'm a little wobbly due to lack of doing much the past few weeks, etc... so walking alone in the 'hood isn't on the approved list, so to the YMCA I went.

First, nothing fun about being lapped by the 70+ crew :)  While I admit I'm not the buff one I was at 28, but it was a little sad & funny at the same time...  PLUS, who knew these women could trash talk?  They were chatting each other up about workout outfits, hairdos, people at church!  I turned my Ipod off so I could stalk them covertly and internally giggle.  I SOOO miss trash talking with my work loves....

Ahh, my friends... I have loved being home for my children, dropping off and picking up without before & aftercare, but WHEW!  I miss my people!!! All of them, even the crazies :)  April 2 will come fast enough I know, and then I'll be fussin' and moanin' about being tired while I'm there, but it will all work out..

Soccer has begun.  So now with wrestling, Tae Kwon Do, cheerleading, homework and life, we are busy people!  JM loves it endlessly though.  The physical aspect, the competition, more time with his buddies, and his rockstar coaches.  Our soccer team for the past four years is definitely something I thank God for often.  It has taught him so much more than soccer: life lessons, friendship skills, competitive spirit, how to lose and learn, how to win and celebrate! and so much more.

Cheerleading is about to wrap up.. National Series competition this weekend in Louisville, very exciting!  Cousins are coming down and going to have some pool time with my college friend Rachel and her family.  Looking forward to a weekend of family fun, super springy hair curls, big smiles and hark work paying off.

Naps continue :)  I think I'm going to miss them the most when I go back to work.  Maybe I could squeeze them in during my administrative time???  The increased activity, that is Dr. directed has pooped me out!  That plus DAYLIGHT (STUPID) SAVINGS TIME?  hmph.  I think I was asleep before the children last night!

I am so thankful for many reasons:
*the continued support and love from my family and friends through this crazy quick journey...  who knew?
*the strength and quiet love of my husband
*the kisses, hugs, and tender moments from and with my children
*God's never-ending listening abilities

Its the little stuff...